The Flat-Pack Self-Assembly Church Of God

You know, life is like a set of surprisingly affordable Scandinavian designed walnut-veneer free-standing storage units. We're all looking for the (Allan) key.

Sunday morning at the Wandsworth Homebase church of the medium-density fibreboard redeemer is a peculiarly dispiriting experience - a huge warehouse full of aimlessly circulating young urban professionals searching for the perfect ceramic hob. Presumably the group of identical professionals aimlessly circulating around B&Q on the other side of the Wandsworth Roundabout are to be regarded as deluded heretics who have fallen from the true path of home improvement. I paid up and got out fast.