'Agree With Everything - Deny Nothing - Embellish All

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Les Bicyclettes De Borrowdale

Welcome, cyclists, to the Lake District. Now that it's wet enough to mean summer's here, I can understand why you're so keen to cycle through our wonderful scenery, up hills and over passes, freewheeling down to the lakeside. It's a fabulous way to spend a summer's day.
Just one thing.
Your fashion sense.
Your black lycra cycling shorts, yellow jerseys and sponsor-emblazoned caps. Why the obsession with tat? When I drive through the Lakes, you may be surprised to hear, I don't wear a fireproof balaclava, crash helmet and a bright red jumpsuit with the name 'Schumacher' embroidered on the chest that I've been saving for just the right occasion. You may imagine you're leading the peloton in relentless pursuit of le maillot jaune. Maybe in your more excited moments you permit yourself the harmless fantasy you're Eddy Merckx or Greg Lemond? But pause for some gentle self-examination. If you had that full-on amphetamine-wracked oblivious vacancy perfected by Tommy Simpson on Mont Ventoux I'd be impressed. But you all look as if you've been poured into your lycra after a morning in Bryson's Cake Shop. Remember: Honister Pass is NOT Alpe d'Huez, Kirkstone is NOT Mont Ventoux. Is that clear? Good. Thank you.

6 Comments:

Blogger Lex said...

Lycra abuse should be a felony.

24/5/06 10:55 am  
Blogger Nick said...

Anybody found guilty should be given a long stretch . . .

24/5/06 3:23 pm  
Blogger Irene Adler said...

At least you noticed the cyclists - they don't want to blend in with the road - sartorially or literally.

25/5/06 5:04 pm  
Blogger Nick said...

Irene - I'm generally a very considerate driver in respect of cyclists (having been on 2 wheels myself for a long time). I'd certainly not want the foregoing to be taken as another rant against the road sense of cyclists, who are usually a lot better behaved than mototists in my experince . . .

26/5/06 1:44 pm  
Anonymous Herr Doktor Professor said...

If the Good Lord had intended us to wear garments made from such things as Lycra and Goretex he would not have equipped us with a body-hugging skin which lets water vapour out but prevents water from getting in.

The picture at:
http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/news/city/2006/06/20/50d96d08-5097-48f8-b64f-1928b0426093.lpf
illustrates how we apply this approach in Cambridge.

24/6/06 9:14 pm  
Blogger Nick said...

Gives new meaning to the phrase 'stunning the punters' . . .

25/6/06 11:12 am  

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