'Agree With Everything - Deny Nothing - Embellish All

Friday, March 09, 2007

Is This The Most Dangerous Woman In Britain?


The photograph above is of the TV lifestyle presenter Kirsty Allsop, and she has ruined my life. Singlehandedly, this woman has corrupted the tastes and minds of the young urban bourgeoisie, depraving them into delusional fantasies that no lifestyle is complete without stainless steel kitchens, sleek Scandinavian stripped pine furniture, beige angora throws and ceramic lighting units. Interior decoration is the new pornography and this woman is its high priestess.
The net result of this diet of lifestyle fantasy is that prospective tenants looking for rental accommodation in South London all harbour utterly unrealistic expectations about the quality of gaff their hard-earned valuta will get them. Forget Rachman: landlords are now an oppressed class forced into ever more ruinous renovations and redesigns to attract the discerning tenant. I have just managed to acquire two of these elusive beasts for the Battersea flat. At what cost in terms of pandering to the TV-mediated tastes of the aspirational urbanite I will not say. But the nightmare of renovation is over and I am sitting by the window of the deceptively spacious reception room on a warm winter morning waiting for Lloyd the South African plumber to take his kit and go. On Saturday the girls move in. All that remains is to clean the place one more time and I can leave it, knowing that I can force myself back into unfamiliarity more easily, and it will be someone else's personal, domestic machine for living.
As to Ms Allsop, a sustained period of silence from her would be most welcome.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Lex said...

Speaking of dangerous television personalities, as I frequently do despite never watching any, if I name my next band "Nigella Lawson's Cleavage," as an online acquaintance once suggested, would you then have to harm me?

9/3/07 8:52 pm  
Anonymous Eleanor said...

A pox on Ms. Allsop and all of her sopping companions as well. I find this fascination with stainless steel very weird -- it always reminds me of my days working in the cafeteria kitchen in college -- that was all stainless steel, too!

9/3/07 9:50 pm  
Blogger Nick said...

Lex, I used to watch Nigella. She made me feel dirty and used. So I had to stop - I was enjoying it too much.

10/3/07 10:55 am  
Anonymous Phred said...

So Nick,

I must confess I have not yet seen the ubiquitous Ms. Allsop but it sounds as if she and our Martha Stewart should both be banished to Venus,for which my dear wife would somehow hold me personaly responsible

13/3/07 8:17 pm  
Blogger Nick said...

Phred, Britain's courts are the most libel-litigation-friendly places in the known universe, so I have to point out to you that while Ms Allsop has committed many crimes against good taste, she has never actually been indicted in court for anything illegal . . . though I still think Venus (800 Centrigrade & 200 atmospheres surface conditions) is probably altogether too good for her & the heinous Ms Stewart.

15/3/07 5:02 pm  
Blogger Alexander said...

Would you like to read about killing with impunity? It is fiction, but... (!!) In www.catyourway.com read "An Ordinary Black Cat" You would be astonished! Highly recommend...

21/4/07 6:37 pm  

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