'Agree With Everything - Deny Nothing - Embellish All

Thursday, February 01, 2007

A Season In Flat-Pack Self-Assembly Storage Unit Hell

I've just spent a half-day in the aforementioned, none-too metaphysical location, putting together bedroom furniture for the Battersea flat. The process goes through three distinct phases - dread, tedium, and despair. The result is a pine wardrobe and chest of drawers. This suffering is as nothing compared to the heroic passion of V who, entirely of her own volition & without me so much as dropping a hint, spent the previous Sunday afternoon over in Gateshead and broke off from important musical work to obtain the aforementioned flat-packs from the Geordie IKEA. This involved the usual obstacle course of being misdirected around the IKEA showroom by grinning Geordies all trying to sell her things she didn't need or want until, on paying for the goods, she was told by said grinning Geordies that she now had to drive 3 miles to the IKEA warehouse to collect them. Readers, I owe this woman, big time. A brief search through the contents of Mr Berners-Lee's interweb invention reveals the startling fact that the domain name 'ihateikea.org' is currently 'inactive'. Well, what are you all waiting for? This obviously represents an opportunity for somebody . . .



Anonymous Eleanor said...

Swedes...we're droll aren't we?

2/2/07 1:10 am  
Blogger Gill said...

Ikea -it's simple. Write down what you need with a miniscule pencil...then load a 7 foot bookcase onto a 2 foot long trolley whilst men with brawny necks laugh at your struggles. Jostle for queue position with Geordie women who stick lucky Chinese bamboo up your nose or swipe you with Berber rugs. Sit in a traffic jam joining the A1 for several hours after spending time trying to eat a rubber hot dog whilst children run between your legs and smear you with mustard and ketchup. Take 4 hours to get home and then try and attach bits of skog together using a pathetically small allen key...

I could go on.

How did you get banned? Is there a trick I could learn?

5/2/07 8:00 pm  
Blogger the other cold one said...

I always thought that the big problem with IKEA (aside from queuing for 1 hour to get in, 1 hour to pay, and getting lost in the back streets around Wembley...) is the thought that you could start with four bare walls and fill it competely with IKEA flat pack. Then the next thought that is ever so more depressing than that is that someone somewhere could have exactly the same interior accoutrements! A little petty one-upmanship: In England it seems to be pronounced eye-key-aah, with the stress on the second syllable. Confuse the Geordies (it's quite easy??) by pronouncing it Ih-kay-ah, with the stress on the first syllable. (that's how it's pronounced here in Finland, and I'm pretty sure in Sweden too!

11/2/07 2:17 pm  

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