The endless waltz of British Rail
The endless waltz of Virgin Rail
Carries both, me and the mail
Travel first or standard class
Standard will still cost some brass..
.....
So. Last week I did my monthly tour.. Car to Leeds, then train to London, 2 nights in the city (country bumpkin looking up at buildings....chatting to taxi drivers..... Avoiding eye contact with the Big Issue woman at St James Park..) then the train back to Cumbria.
All went well until we reached Crewe. I travel First Class (company insists), though it breaks my heart to have to pay nearly 300 quid for the privilege of the return ticket to Penrith. You do however get a free newspaper (£1), free drinks (£5) and a free sandwich (£5?). That makes the journey worth circa 290 quid. I digress.
At Crewe the train stopped as promised BUT did not go any further. The Train Manager, who body doubled and sounded like Idi Amin but much better looking, announced that "for the benefit(?) of the customers this train set will not be going beyond Crewe today because of problems with the vipers" . Crackle.... um.. piercing whistle feedback....... enefit of customers (pop) the problem is the Wipers .. the windscreen wipers have developed a technical problem.....and a driver is coming..... please make your way to platform 11 where another train set will be arriving maybe in 20 minutes.... customers for Manchester Picaliddy .......Pick ... Aaa.... PickAARdly should go to platform 6. There was no rain to be seen by the way.
Look! I do believe that if you are working as a train (set) manager, in the transport business, then you should know the place names of the country you are working in. Yes, yes I know I would struggle with some of them Ugandan names but - I am not managing a train set in Uganda, am I?
Anyway, Idi went on to manage his way through Warrington Bonk Qgway, CarLiz- le, Offen Home the Lake District and a couple more goes at Picadilly. I happen to like the Pickarliddy and will be using that from now on. Offen Home is pretty good.
After 45 minutes of musical platforms.. make your way to platform 6............no 11........... No 2 etc... we were settled once more on our journey.
At Preston, Idi was rested and we got a small red haired Glaswegian as our Train Manager. He was, yes you've guessed, completely incomprehensible.
He made his way through the train apologising for the delay, and asked me if I was travelling first class on a first class ticket (my crumpled Rohan yoyager suit wasn't enough?!); then asked 2 guys opposite me the same question. They replied NO - as the seats in standard class were all taken. Jock said that this was OK BUT he would have to declassify their seats. Oh. The public humiliation of having the 'Embroidered First Class Anti-Macassar' unvelcroed from your seat must be worth a few bob in compensation from Mr Branson.
Those anti-macassars must be worth a fiver so that brings the journey cost down to £285. I wonder how they work out the rest of the price? I feel a letter coming on.
Dear Richard...
Carries both, me and the mail
Travel first or standard class
Standard will still cost some brass..
.....
So. Last week I did my monthly tour.. Car to Leeds, then train to London, 2 nights in the city (country bumpkin looking up at buildings....chatting to taxi drivers..... Avoiding eye contact with the Big Issue woman at St James Park..) then the train back to Cumbria.
All went well until we reached Crewe. I travel First Class (company insists), though it breaks my heart to have to pay nearly 300 quid for the privilege of the return ticket to Penrith. You do however get a free newspaper (£1), free drinks (£5) and a free sandwich (£5?). That makes the journey worth circa 290 quid. I digress.
At Crewe the train stopped as promised BUT did not go any further. The Train Manager, who body doubled and sounded like Idi Amin but much better looking, announced that "for the benefit(?) of the customers this train set will not be going beyond Crewe today because of problems with the vipers" . Crackle.... um.. piercing whistle feedback....... enefit of customers (pop) the problem is the Wipers .. the windscreen wipers have developed a technical problem.....and a driver is coming..... please make your way to platform 11 where another train set will be arriving maybe in 20 minutes.... customers for Manchester Picaliddy .......Pick ... Aaa.... PickAARdly should go to platform 6. There was no rain to be seen by the way.
Look! I do believe that if you are working as a train (set) manager, in the transport business, then you should know the place names of the country you are working in. Yes, yes I know I would struggle with some of them Ugandan names but - I am not managing a train set in Uganda, am I?
Anyway, Idi went on to manage his way through Warrington Bonk Qgway, CarLiz- le, Offen Home the Lake District and a couple more goes at Picadilly. I happen to like the Pickarliddy and will be using that from now on. Offen Home is pretty good.
After 45 minutes of musical platforms.. make your way to platform 6............no 11........... No 2 etc... we were settled once more on our journey.
At Preston, Idi was rested and we got a small red haired Glaswegian as our Train Manager. He was, yes you've guessed, completely incomprehensible.
He made his way through the train apologising for the delay, and asked me if I was travelling first class on a first class ticket (my crumpled Rohan yoyager suit wasn't enough?!); then asked 2 guys opposite me the same question. They replied NO - as the seats in standard class were all taken. Jock said that this was OK BUT he would have to declassify their seats. Oh. The public humiliation of having the 'Embroidered First Class Anti-Macassar' unvelcroed from your seat must be worth a few bob in compensation from Mr Branson.
Those anti-macassars must be worth a fiver so that brings the journey cost down to £285. I wonder how they work out the rest of the price? I feel a letter coming on.
Dear Richard...
posted by Anonymous at 2:46 pm
6 Comments:
Don't they give you a complementary sachet of macassar oil in First Class? Otherwise there'd be no point in having an anti-macassar really . . .clearly Mr Branson's Brand Managers have slipped up on the details.
Bloody Glaswegens, why don't they learn to speak english?
xxB
Nick,
We had a hair product for men here in the colonies cicra 1950 that would do a grease job on a headrest. Ever hear of " Wildroot Cream-Oil ". A match of Macassar anyday and it made the comic books.
I'll send it to you under separate
cover
Phred - there's really no need for you to be so bashful, even when recommending hair-oil. (For the benefit of other readers - see this Sam Spade adventure . . .)
Boudica - technically, I think it's the bloody Geordies who can't speak English. Never had any problems with Glaswegians myself . .
From North of the Border, I have to say that the station on which the majority of rail employees, of whatever ethnic origin, crash and burn is Leuchars Junction. Comes out as Lyookers if you're lucky. BTW, my bro swears he was once standing in a queue behind an Aussie who wanted to go to Loogabarooga which turned out to be Loughborough. Personally I would rather go to Loogabarooga. The beer is probably better
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