'Agree With Everything - Deny Nothing - Embellish All

Monday, April 18, 2005

The Only Gay In The Village?

The Wandering Minstrel was in town this weekend, playing flamenco at a Cockermouth tapas bar. The Management Consultant, a friend and former colleague, was visiting me so we went along to cheer the Minstrel on to his inevitable triumph. Now the Management Consultant is a chap of pronounced views & robust manner, somewhat uneasy in bohemian company, but in the course of the evening something quite unexpected happened. One of the hostesses of Cockermouth cafe society clearly decided that his presence betokened a hitherto unsuspected passion on my part, grasped the wrong end of a long and knotty stick, and let it be known she was delighted I had finally accepted my true nature.
My denials were in vain, and we found ourselves invited to grace her salon a deux the following evening.
Saturday night was great fun - we duly arrived and spent an enjoyable few hours in good company, the highlight being the piano playing of a flamboyant cross-dressing Dutchman who had spent some time in high security prisons (for professional purposes, we were assured).
Discreetly, I informed our hostess of her misunderstanding. The salonista refused to believe me. Each protestation only reinforced her disbelief. When the Management Consultant dozed off later in the evening her other guests took this as proof positive that we'd been at it like knives all weekend.
So I'm saddled with an unwanted reputation. What to do? I don't think there's an accepted social ritual for coming out as a straight man. Or should I just bask in my fraudulent exoticism? Etiquette mavens please advise.


Blogger Simon said...

Next time you go out, wear royal blue slacks and brown brogues.

They may think you're style roadkill, but at least they'll know you're straight.

18/4/05 11:05 pm  
Anonymous Eleanor said...

I'd say just keep your excellent sense of humor, Nick. And for god's sake, remember not to protest too much.

18/4/05 11:49 pm  
Anonymous Peter said...

This is one to which there is no simple answer, because of postmodernism which has made everything very complicated somehow. Crucially, don't be interested in football and never go to the gym. Or perhaps play a double bluff invoving Sitwellian rings, the ballet and Violet Cologne?

19/4/05 9:44 pm  
Blogger Nick said...

Erm. . . I think I'll pass on the Violet cologne, but thanks for the suggestion . . .

19/4/05 11:24 pm  
Blogger RenMan said...

1) Do not deny - always agree and always embellish
2) Where's this Berlinesque club in Cockermouth?
3) Then again there's the St Bees schooling, Cambridge, British Airways, greek beard.......NAH I know you too well.. the interior decoration blind spot, lack of fastidiousness and inability to cataloque your books and music collection is the clincher.

20/4/05 7:04 pm  
Anonymous Peter said...

"Do not deny, always agree and always embelleish" is REALLY a motto to live by. Bravo!I will try, one of these days, to put it into Latin.

20/4/05 7:40 pm  
Blogger Nick said...

While you're about it could you come up with something Latinate for 'Bask In Fraudulent Exioticism'?

20/4/05 9:49 pm  
Blogger Franklin said...

In America, were one's masculinity threatened even by erudite and cosmopolitan innuendo such as can be found in certain social circles in Cumbria, the answer would be fairly simple.

1. Go kill some animal, drape it across the hood of your car and ride around town for a while. Please make sure there is animal blood spilling dramatically across the vehicle.

2. Go beat up somebody, preferably someone smaller than yourself.

3. Get an NRA and a George Bush bumper sticker and put it on your car. A fish/Jesus sticker is optional.

4. In conversation, spend at least 50% of your time talking about war, and/or football. (We refer here to American football; outside the states, you should pick the sport both indigenous to your locale and which has the most violent approach to play possible.

Over time, this approach will begin to dispel rumors as to your orientation.

21/4/05 12:54 pm  
Blogger Di said...

Look, as a local resident, and without any personal 'knowledge', I just know you are not gay or owt.
I'm sorry we missed such an interesting evening though - can't understand why the Hostess of the Cafe's didn't invite me - and how on earth could your companion fall asleep - was he not worried as to his fate in losing consciousness with such strange goings on??

21/4/05 9:55 pm  
Anonymous nick c. said...

Were you wearing the Famous Black Leather Trousers at the event?

22/4/05 6:45 am  
Blogger Nick said...

Thankfully not . . . since last year's Stranglers gig they've mysteriously shrunk a size

22/4/05 8:22 am  
Blogger RenMan said...

I'm beginning to worry .... why so many comments .. is there something we should know?

22/4/05 10:24 pm  

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